Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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