you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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