I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Randomize
