she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
