I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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