____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
