we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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