Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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