I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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