I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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