sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
