Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
