So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
