so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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