You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
