1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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