I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It's Friday. Sex?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
