Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize