im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize