i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
