one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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