Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
