between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
