CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
