Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
