I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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