I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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