hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
