he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
