maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize