i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
