I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
