Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
