She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You made out with two different species that night
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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