im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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