So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
