Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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