me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize