i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
