Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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