I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
