fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
