my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Did you just see the Batmobile???
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
