plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
