he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
