Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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