My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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