me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
