i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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