hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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