I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
