Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
