Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
