Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
