pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
