he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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